Monday, October 18, 2010

Pre-Peter vs. Post-Peter

Pre-Peter vs. Post Peter

Pre-Peter, (or, before I discovered Peter's works), I battled chronic depression.  I rarely tuned in to my own thoughts which could cripple me.  What a negatron I was!  Peter mentioned in his writings that he was a recovering negaholic, well I think I even had him beat. 

I had visited a couple of well-meaning therapists who, bless their clueless hearts, were unable to help my helpless self.  When I dove into my darkest of days, I’d scarf down some chocolate in order to desperately savor some much-needed sweetness in my life. Or, I would starve myself.  Never felt worthy.  Never felt pretty.  The one serious boyfriend I ever had, horribly mistreated me, and I never understood all the while that I had allowed it. 

Well-meaning and frustrated friends of mine would try so hard to convince me to escape this relationship, but I never listened.  He left, out of his own commitment-phobia, and Peter's poetry was there to pick up the pieces of my helpless heart.

I had tried one or two "self-help" books before. Perhaps I wasn't ready to hear the message. Perhaps the author did not move me.  His or her points were too muzzy for my fuzzy brain.  Whatever the reason, I stayed a prisoner of my own depression.

It's amazing what a little blue book could do. Last December, You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought by Peter McWilliams burst into my life, like a sizzling comet, and I have never been the same since.
This year, I had re-united with family who never even knew I existed. I was so thrilled. I had waited all my life for this, with such high expectations which unfortunately were dashed.  Pre-Peter I would have been devastated, crushed, dead inside. But since taking his advice, like avoiding people and situations that upset me, I am learning that I am better off without those empty connections and I do not allow their sour judgments of me to rob me of the pride I have in myself.  If I am not accepted, I no longer beg people to like me. I simply move through and move on. Sure, I still get upset, but the level of upsetness is so much less.  

All my life I craved father figures, family figures, because I felt such a void. But Peter's words helped soothe that ache.  He taught me to be my own family unto my own self.  (And getting to know Peter’s Mom means so much to me.  I truly feel like she’s my family.  She has shown me unconditional love that I never before experienced.) 

I still have days where I might feel down, but those moments of being down are no longer mountains, just moments!
I am learning to be grateful everyday for simple things. I rather religiously keep a "Book of Good" (mentioned here in previous post). I especially keep this book when days seem stressful. I find this has helped my attitude immensely!

Pre-Peter, I was always getting injured. As an amateur athlete, I had weak ankles, a throbbing knee injury, I was one sloppy mess. My doctor claimed I could never run too far, because I simply wasn't "built for it."  I created, allowed and promoted (as Peter calls “CPA”) each injury.  I didn't believe in myself.  But, through Peter's words, they inspired me so much that I went from running a couple of miles to running a full Marathon, safely!  All on my own-no fancy trainer, no expensive gym.  All me, while Peter's philosophies danced through my head!

Pre-Peter, my world was a whirlwind of dark drama. Post-Peter, my life has been forever changed.
A man I never got to meet has helped change my life in a way I never thought possible. So when people ask me why I spend so much time writing about a man I never got to meet, I know in my heart, in my own way, I’ve already met him.
I love you, Peter.


  1. Jennifer Brown BanksOctober 21, 2010 at 6:37 PM


    This is some deep stuff here! Well written and worth reading. :-) Be blessed.


  2. Wow thanks Jen, you're such a gifted writer yourself so I consider this a huge compliment.